Java Genesiology

‎"Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring - why not put a little Mocha in the family Latte?" 

- Koothrappali, Ph.D

The black dog strikes again.

This blog has occasionally borne witness to my encounters with the blue funk and  the sense of helplessness when trying to help, understand even, a depressed one.
You don't know how they feel, the right words will never come to you and you're almost never sure what triggers it. It creeps in closer and closer, first consuming friends of friends, acquaintances and finally the people you love most. The first was a friend of my parents, then it became a hall mate, then an extended family member, then a boyfriend and now a member of my immediate family.

The extended family member is more or less in recovery -if that is truly possible and I hope with all my heart it is-. The hall mate I don't know well enough to ask, but every time I see an update on her facebook profile or happy pictures of her,  I am glad to see that she is still around, living through her issues one day at a time and that things are hopefully working out for her.

Two of the other individuals mentioned have taken their lives. I will remember the day my mother called me telling me of Uncle T's passing on and of how my father, a stoic man by any yardstick, was inconsolable for the longest of times. The second was personally more devastating, a former boyfriend whose death could not be confirmed as accidental or intentional. Even before the actual end though, the torture of witnessing his suffering with depression has left me raw.
A nightmare I could not arouse from. No choice but for this cross to be borne...

The close encounters with depression taught me to distinguish between the blues that we, the non-afflicted, suffer from and the actual clinical problem. So when a mentally healthy person goes, "oh just get over it," or "we all feel this way," to someone who is clinically depressed, I want to scream, telling them to shut the hell up because getting over it is what the depressed most want too and no, you and I without the illness don't actually feel the same way. We will probably never feel the way they do or be able to completely fathom it either, and for that rejoice!

As for the immediate family member, it upsets me that I didn't allow myself to recognise the signs for what they were. Low self-esteem, a propensity for self-harm, implausible stories that didn't quite add up -particularly on the self-harm-, substance abuse etc.
Having already faced one of the hardest knocks depression could throw my way (with the exception of having it in itself), the merciless scourging this illness metes out still smarts. Ominous warning signals were going off at the back of my head when these old friends were espied but I was too emotionally flayed to contend with them, yet again.

Instead of dealing with the situation full on, cravenly me dodged the devastating implications of what might be. The result of a flinch? Potentially a consequence of greater magnitude. Would it have done any good to have voiced my suspicions earlier? We all -probably- felt that my opinions may not have been completely objective due to past experiences. The disquiet was oft left unvoiced as I worried of projecting memories on something that may have a completely valid and wholly different explanation. Now it has been confirmed and for one of the few times, I hate being right. We can only do what we can and hope for the best.

I am so terrified of losing you, I don't know how to tell you that; but my dearest, this too shall pass.

A café job

is not as glamorous as Rachel -of Friends- made it look.

Over the weekend, I have:

• made several cappuccinos, flat whites, long blacks, espressos and lattes and a single iced coffee (in winter, go figure)
• wrapped banana bread slices, folded cutlery into serviettes and grilled panini fingers
• washed falafel crusted pans, crockery etc and loaded the dishwasher
• scooped gelato and plated cakes
• warmed up sandwiches, arranged croissants and fruit tarts
• ran the register and served meals to customers
• scrubbed wall tiles by the roadside
• wiped tables and arranged chairs
• delivered cookies and hot chocolate to another shop
• carried 11 litres of milk on one of the 3 trips, made in a single day, to the grocery store a block or so away

It has actually been immense fun doing the above, except maybe the last. In a mere two days of work, I've learnt a tonne and I get to be the food tester since the Egyptian owner is fasting for Ramadan.

It's also the kind of place where I've always envisioned working -on a part time basis. A darling little café at the corner of the plaza right at the city centre, serving lacto-ovo vegetarian food, great coffee and delicious gelato.

My co-workers are lovely (an eclectic mix of zany full timers, the serious business backers and edgy-student part timers/ casual workers) and we get to catch whatever actions going on at the main plaza...there was a fire twirler last night.

Despite being paid just a little over minimum wage, which is actually more than what I made as an engineer in Singapore if we break things down by hours, there are plenty of perks besides expanding my skill set; Read: FREE COFFEE and food :)))

Reasons why I can't help but love you

10) because you manfully ate the entire plate of over-salted risotto without so much as a grimace, I took a bite and almost spat it out. T'was as salty as the Dead Sea and you merely complimented its perfect texture.

9) because you have the most delicious voice. The first time we met, you were telling me in a roundabout fashion what you were doing, you could have been reciting the alphabet or saying that your eyeballs were made of cheese and I would have been just as enamoured.

8) because you handle so much stress and put up with a whole lot of yelling/ lectures/ nagging just to go out with me. I'm sorry there's nothing I can do about that. We can only hope that time will favour us a little more.

7) because you've written me personalized poetry, you've cooked for me and better still with me, pampered me a whole lot and because of the way you're never shy to express yourself. You sing to me in public, pick me up to kiss me goodbye and give me piggy back rides :))

6) because you're just as courteous and gentlemanly as the day we first met. Not just to me but everyone else too. *I love it when you hold doors open for aunties and are charming to them*

5) because you land up at my doorstep, after long, crappy work hours -sometimes post call-, having sat through horrible jams, driving from the island to the mainland and you still wear such a cheerful smile.

4) because you sang to me in the moonlight on top of a hill, kissed me in the rain on a rock by the sea and danced with me in the dead of the night in a car park.

3) because you like children and they love you back. It scares me less knowing that you are there.

2) because you've seen me at my best and liked it. More so because you've seen me at my very worst; violently angry, terrified as hell, upset, angsty, emo... the works; and you still find it in your heart to forgive me, comfort me and still love me.

1) because you are you and no one else.

I want!

Somebody please tell me why Pyrenean Mountain dogs are so damn adorable. Raaaaawr! *squishsquishsquish*

The quest for another piece of paper

now brings me to Australia. A land I consciously avoided when deciding where to do my bachelors degree.

Why did I not consider Australia then?

a) poisonous snakes (the most poisonous snake in the world, the Australian Inland Taipan, has apparently not killed anyone, but this is one "first" I don't really want to test ahaha)

b) poisonous spiders

c) crocodiles

d) baby-stealing dingos

e) the huge ass hole in the ozone layer etc.

Why am I doing my Masters here now:

a) ANU is a good university, it's close-ish to home, the 2 hour time difference won't be as killer as the US 12+/- hours would be on a long distance relationship. Finding out that it's the only Australian U with a ranking better than NUS, shallowly enough helped in the decision making process

b) I will prolly be stuck indoors most of the time and it's unlikely to find a kidnapping dingo/a crocodile/ u.v. rays in the lecture halls and labs.

c) my paranoia has worn off a little and I know many friends who have moved to Australia without encountering any of the above who are happier than the people I know in Singapore

Having discussed my previous qualms with some of the Toadies (the residents of our hall are unforch called that, since we live in Toad Hall. We're a post-grad/ mature age residence but prolly have the least dignified name. That said, we do have the best view; it was named Toad because the surrounding area looks like the scenery in the Wind in the Willow; digression complete!) they added new things to my list of heebee jeebee inducing thingums:

- Australian rips, sharks, jellyfish, wombats, kangaroos, possums Raaaaaaaaaaaaaawr!

Anyways, I am now further south of the equator, freezing my non-existent balls off, studying the brain, neural systems and genetics, learning to live in a new place again while attempting to coax and reconfigure my cerebral cortex into entering study/ note-taking/ assignment-doing mode and juggling a LDR with an over-worked -still slightly miffed (at my sudden decision to leave)- houseman some 6820 odd kilometres away.

The joy of cooking

I cook to relax. It may sound strange to people who have actually seen me at work in the kitchen. My maid, sister and boyfriend can attest to the fact that with my neuroses on measuring, arranging and clearing combined with a contradictory klutziness particularly near hot stoves/the oven, tensions mount high. However, it's the self-same compulsions that calm me. Nothing like perfectly prepared ingredients waiting to be combined in the correct manner at the right moment to make a beautiful dish. More coq au vin?

730 days on

I still look down and wonder what it would be like if the wall crumbled and I tumbled.
I still look up and wonder what the earth sees when things fall.
Vertigo grips so hard, my knuckles turn white and head spins.
I wondered if it were possible to laugh the same way again, to live with the strange achy void everyday, pretending everything was as it should be. What should it even be?
Last year I ran away to a place so high I could look down without seeing the ground, without needing to wonder at the force of impact.
This year I can't. I am here. There is no where to go. I pass the Garden of Remembrance everyday when returning home from work. I have walked by Singapore Caskets countless times because through some strange quirk of fate, it is near the room I rent. Each time I felt cold. I tried to sleep or keep my eyes shut on the bus back from work. When walking past the place I saw you last, with quirky neck-tie to the end, I stared at the pavement. Counting cracks, grey gravel... yes hold that thought "greygravelgreygravelgreygravel," my mantra for survival.
It was almost too coincidental, the faster I ran away, the harder the universe kept lobbing back reminders of you.
It got so bad, I needed to do something. Especially the stuff that was being avoided. I visited you. The uncontrolled and spontaneous eye leaks tapered off. I stopped trying to shut out the Sg Caskets signboard and instead looked, remembered every detail of what happened there that day. Thought of our times together, allowed myself to grieve. Remembered the funny stuff, laughed. Started talking about you again. The nightmares became just dreams and those too phased themselves out.
I will never ever forget you and all that you gave me, how you changed me as a person. Elisha, we will meet again, in a better place, in better times.

rotisserie chicken

i want some now.

Von Luschan's Chromatic Scale

It's just a matter of skin, literally, but we'll somehow never outrun it.

In the country of our racial origins, we no longer belong. Actually, never belonged.

In our country of birth, we are not indigenous and are hence second class citizens.

Even amongst "second class" citizens, we remain conscious of our "original" heritage... What the fuck does that even mean anymore? Am I ever going back to India or Sri Lanka, I jolly well think not.

Why is it that even amongst the so-called educated and liberal, interracial dating remains such a sticky issue? Many of my generation were raised colour blind in theory. In practice though, we're still herded to our respective communities when it comes to dating and finding life partners. Disclaimer: 1. my parents have thus far been consistent in theory and practise (with a few minor -and temporary- lapses in the case of the more orthodox of the two) 2. there's absolutely nothing wrong with going out with someone of the same race, but the same should be true of going out with people of other races...
Note that interracial dating is not some strange inter species oddity (we have the same number of chromosome pairs amongst other things) and it's not like there are major health issues from dating someone of a different race. Variations in the gene pool tend to serve as an advantage, precluding major/ heritable genetic issues. There appears to be a distinct inability to reconcile theoretically liberal upbringings and decisions with the precipitous parental shift towards conservatism for most.

It's interesting how it isn't alright to go out with someone with the same outlooks, with compatible life philosophies & values, of similar educational & socioeconomic backgrounds, with whom you share amazing chemistry and other rational bases of judgment, simply because of variations in basal levels of melanogenesis. Scratch that, it's not interesting, it's plain shallow.

Whatever! I'll never (and hopefully will never have to) understand bigotry of this order.

slate

Everything should be going well but nothing feels right. It's worse when there is nothing to blame. How can one explain hating the people one loves best, for no reason whatsoever, or for reasons that would regularly be insufficient in piquing emotions? Explaining it away or excusing it as an existential lay by serves to earn mere labels. Weltschmerz would be a slightly untrue depiction, a fine coating over the actual self-indulgence of the misery. At this point, a good, unapologetically mindless bawl would be the best prescription.

Dear lord, let it just be damn PMS already!

The writers bloc appears to be more than insignificantly transient :(((

2010

Graduated
Employed
Un-single
A complete Ammooma list -but for married with kids-. Mais, maintenant, tout commence juste.

2011, slightly tremulous but wholly excited!

c'était un rêve?

Salty air. Turquoise waters. Blazing sun. Cheap.Cold.Beer. Mmmmmm.

No footprints on the sand because we will always be the kind who'd walk close to the waters edge.
Et la mer efface sur le sable.

Bat gown, Mortar board, Degree scroll

The culmination of seventeen years of education merely produces a meh... sort of feeling. Instead I think of the job hunting process with vestiges of dread and with definite apprehension as to what my worth would be in the working world. A basic degree is not enough these days, for employers.. and for me. Striking the balance between what you want and what you can get is difficult. Annoying ambitions. Bloody bond. Thank goodness I'm done with school. Oh I miss school so. Damnit! but Yay! I got my Harry Potter robe, flat hat and decorative kitchen paper towel roll. Is it vain to not want a PhD. because the mushroom hat is quite fugs? Maybe shallow would be more apt haha. If it were a conical wizard topper it may be easier to fancy and can be recycled at Halloween haha

so yum.

springsteen singing fire.

Math don't add up in real life.

We are so much more than the woeful sum of our parts.

Mouse Mouses Mice

When my grandma was young, her sister forbade her from tying her hair in two braids, and I mean that in the most literal sense possible.
There are so many more real things to forbid kids from doing these days. Speed. Crystal meth. Angel dust. LSDs. Coke. Ketamine. ThereAreJustTooManyCrapThingsOutThereNotEvenIncludingOverTheCounterStuff. Donchoo be smackin that crack kiddo.
Things aren't as simple as they used to be but then again we can buy groceries with a bunch of clicks.

Blogging is

an exercise in navel gazing.



No lint.

It's easier to reflect on the -unfortunately-oh-so-traceable- net then to do things in real time and space sometimes but there is a fine line between introspection and self-absorption.

The unusual fountainhead

we only wake to feed our dreams

inspiration from an unconventional source... the Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine whadayaknow.

The keratinous cataclysm

It doesn't make sense. When I voluntarily removed it, it was cool. Now that it drops, in sheaves, bundles and clumps, I'm going nuts. What is wrong? The water? A hormonal imbalance? Definitely not a lack of nutrition. Weather change? Stress? -over what?

It has confirmed my vanity, how does one not writhe at their own shallowness. Being upset that you're upset at something trivial makes you feel more upset. Don't tell me how to feel. It doesn't stop me feeling the way I do. It just makes me guilty about the way I feel.

A pointless spiraling, geometrically progressing such that each recurrent relation of the term 'upset' is worse than the preceding one. Simply, let n = upset and the common ratio be something positive. An exponential increase over time. Does mathematically defining a problem soothe the soul? Sometimes. You have a sense of control over something.

It might not be a good idea...

to introduce a date to your dad when he's wearing a parental advisory tee. Doesn't help if your mother is myopic and gets someone to read the tee out loud. Quite funny when the person doing it is the proper aunt. Exceedingly hilarious when guy in question flushes rosy red.

What I will miss...

1) random tau huey jaunts, roof climbing and corridor gossip sessions with the girls
2) midnight runs and the salty pool
3) engineering unfunny humour from profs and classmates
4) waking up at noon
5) sleeping at noon
6) Tagore quoting the Spice Girls in philo classes
7) the green hammock
8) hanging around campus in FBTs
9) drama, dance, sports, performances
10) the specific brand of camaraderie only found in halls

Of sand scrapes and twilight parasailing

It was a spontaneous decision, the kind you're always glad you made.
SlapdashRandomIncidental?
The light behind is fading, the ground below is glowing and over the sea we swoop. An ungainly bird, flammable, no smoking in the air please!
At some point, instead of appreciating the glittering gem of the island or the gliding, soaring, flying, I thought "shit, all that's stopping gravity from acting is a nylon canopy overhead, a canvas harness under-ass and the strings that ligament-like keeps us attached to the boat below."
A deep breath, hard to catch in mid-air, and the calmness sought is found. Maybe now I get why Icarus could not not go higher.

Yupdate

okay, so i have not blogged in forever.
nepal and tibet were AMAZING sans food poisoning in Kathmandu. home is awesome. still haven't started looking for a job/ sending out C.V.s/ doing all the things a responsible graduate should do. Graduation in slightly over a week. Going to KL again today. I really need to update my blog.

21052010

This time last year, the day after your birthday, I saw you for the final time before going home.
It's funny how some dates will always be imprinted in ones memory.
I could not blog yesterday.
Sometimes,I wonder what would have happened, if I had not taken that flight a year ago. The outcome could have been the same, but would my sense of guilt match that of those who were there on that fateful day, 10 days from today, a year ago?
On the last day of this month, I will be away, far from it all, perhaps on a dusty road in Kathmandu, on a green trail hiking to Nagarkot, in a dingy restaurant eating spicy potstickers or on a breezy plateau high above the rest of the world. A year would have passed and my reaction will still be apparently torpid. Moping sucks and does nothing for anyone, I will laugh hard on that day, the way we used to.
Are people onions? Layer upon layer, almost-always hollow-centred, they add flavour, they make you cry. Whatever.

"From a delightfully digression-packed essay on John Mackie's argument from relativity"
reading that statement on my prof's blog followed by an excerpt of my answer script was a little unnerving but whadayaknow, he must have liked the digressions :)))

Vertigo,

the conflict between the fear of falling and the desire to fall.

Botero's crow

i have asked the plump crow at the cbd what it sees. it sits there plumply, not saying anything. but there's a contradictory chattiness in its silent round eyes. one day, it will shake out its plumpy wings and waddle across uob plaza.

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

Kerouac love.

Bleeeeargh!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
i'm turning into a blimp :(
exam stress, thesis stress, job-hunting stress....
who am i kidding, i'm addressing none of the above haha.
it's because i've morphed into an eating and sleeping machine.
i haven't exercised in fuck long and i need both hands to count the number of meals i have a day. raaaaaaaawr!

You don't know Pain until you've studied Engineering

I totally ripped this list of a fb group called:
"Childbirth? ... You don't know Pain until you've studied Engineering"
I've only taken the ones that I personally felt haha... the list is way more extensive than this,

You know you're studying engineering when…

You come out of a lecture and feel that you wouldn’t mind being hit by a bus.

You are doing maths that the maths students don’t cover until the 2nd year.

You know the Greek and Arabic alphabets better than the language students.

A 4 hour day is an easy day.

A 9 hour day is still an easy day.

You are up at 3am in the morning trying to finish yet another piece of coursework asking yourself… why?

You feel bitter contempt towards anyone complaining of 2 lectures in a row.

Someone complains about ‘take away exams’ you feel a sudden urge to hospitalise them.

It’s the norm that you can’t fit an equation on 1 line of a page.

Handing in an assignment just means that’s there’s a new one to complete.

Time is measured in submission deadlines.

You find out you have 3x as many exams as practically everyone else.

You frequently ask yourself why the fuck are you doing this.

You are used to covering a ridiculously large span of subjects to the same standard as the respective degree students.

Breasts in a lecture theatre generally means there's a guy who's let himself go a bit.

You would assume a horse is a sphere to make the maths easier.

Your best friend is your calculator.

Things I've added to the list:
You've wondered if the alcohol in the lab could make the hours a little easier and have contemplated adding a squirt into your coffee.

You've been warned that the chemicals used in your experiments are cancerous/ you could potentially be exposed to radiation/ your equipment has the capacity to electrocute the motion out of you or slice your fingers in a heartbeat.

You start appreciating classmates for basic things like showering at least once a day.

You tend to know at least 70% of your classmates and most of their wardrobe because you see them almost every day (refer to lecture hours point above) and because each year, the class size dwindles and no one really has much fashion sense.

Freddie Mercury is Alive

On memory and existence.

Someone is really dead only when there remains not a single person with memories of them.
This thought emerged in the midst of the whimsical and the random that make a good Sunday afternoon conversation with a friend who faced a common loss.

So I say Freddie Mercury is alive! Caveat, I'm not claiming he literally exists in a corporeal form at this moment in time. What I mean is that his memory remains and we can vicariously (Youtube, music tapes, biographies) experience his genius. Eight generations from now, he may still be remembered. Say what you will, Bohemian Rhapsody is as much a masterpiece (and probably as overplayed) as Beethoven's symphony in C minor.

Lets put aside the likes of Freddy, Newton and Shakespeare, the thought applies to us mere mortals too. The day not a single person in the world remembers you, is the day you truly are dead. Dammit, I better record an album do some worth it shizz with my life. Do we crave immortality more than we think or somethink or nuthink at all...

We are earthworms.

I went to the garden of remembrance with Azad today. It was great catching up over avocado and chili chocolate ice-cream cones after. He hasn't been around hall much, and I know the unfortunate story behind that now :(

We were talking about the after life and covered the different religions and their conception of what happens after someone dies. The three religions of the book belief in after life, either a better existence, or a lesser one. The other major eastern religions (hinduism and buddhism notably) believe in transmigration of the soul. But, what if we just die?
Die, period. Cease to exist. Not be. Nothing after.


pawsome picture from chinese buddhism site. is it trippy or is it trippy?!

We humans regard ourselves as superior since we are thinking beings. We are not the strongest, fastest or most resilient organism and yet we survive. How? "By exploiting our surroundings" appears to be too simplistic, but it's the most pragmatic explanation. In a highly intrusive fashion, we change our surroundings to suit us.
Not just because we can, but perhaps because we must? This may be our evolutionary advantage after all. Okay...maybe "finding opportunity in our circumstances" is a nicer way of putting it. We being thinking beings has kept us in the mad game of existence.

I proposed the following theory to Azad.
We are no different from earth worms. We are mere matter and that is what we will continue to be after death... just a slightly more decomposed form of that matter... maybe fossilized after a bunch of centuries.
So what happens after you die? Are you that same being? Do you still even think? Maybe not, so do you cease to exist? Maybe so.
Perhaps there really is nothing after death, but being the species-centric race that we are, believing we are superior to earthworms, we cannot accept that. Hence the creation of heavens/ hells/ rebirths etc.

He said he could grasp that logically, but that is not how he feels about this issue. he intuitively feels there is a God and cannot believe that the play we put on daily has a futile end... to make room for new puppets on the stage of life.

In any case, my heart wants to agree with him, my brain doesn't know... after all, there may be an earthworm heaven.

McBunny

Since we live in different blocks now, phone conversation:

consumerism bunny. i heart her illustrations.

Val: Hallloouuu*yawn*uuuhmmm, just woke up.
Eva: Happy Easter!
Val: Errr... Thanks. Happy Easter to you too.
Eva: Lets go for service.
Val: ...
Eva: Breakfast service at McD's until noon on weekends

Val layans my lame jokes (and doesn't slow clap at them haha).

The deluxe breakfast is awesome but the only person who's had it with me is Shokers since everyone else kinda balks at its size.

Background noise reduction

on the thesis front, i am more dismally behind than ever. wrenched mesself from bed and away from most, evidently not all, distractions. i'm camping out at engin. the sun has been down for many hours but human traffic remains pretty high, quite a contrast to the deserted arts passages on my way here. peak project season in engin innit.

it was pretty noisy. and the sounds, a cacophony of random languages, punctuated by grunts of frustration and the occasional screech when programs failed and equations went awry. t'was getting to me. tried blasting some owl city through my earphones. didn't work. i was typing the lyrics instead of my report. mozart was either drowning my thoughts or not masking theirs sufficiently.

basic high school wave superposition theory came to mind. didn't know how accurate it would be. i searched for white noise and listened to it on loop. it sufficiently canceled out their sound hahaha. pink or brown noise might work better maybe? shall test this hypothesis at some point. geeky me (:

Coprolalia

when i grow up,
i will have a cat.
i will have some children.
my children will go to school.
in show & tell they'd say:
"i have a pussy named cunt."
i will be summoned to school
and shall tell the teacher
my cat's name is kant.

Kant, i hate your language. May your convoluted writings never be my formal readings, brilliant as your thoughts are.
The word "cunt" is actually a nice one. Never has there been so wonderfully grandiloquent (and i mean that in the best possible way) a title as "Queen Cunt of Fuck Mountain" . We'll let the cat decide if it should be gratified or insulted.

Ponens, tollens, pollen, tones?

My dearth of knowledge in theoretical philosophy is a pretty big setback, especially in the higher level philo modules. Phrases are flung about the class casually and I have to note it, usually in bahasa baku, if the terms are not in (plain) english.
The next task, deciphering my scrawly writing in order to google said word/phrases, is no simple one... not just because of the writing but due to the permutation and combination games played with the various alphabets in the search bar, trying to get the right word.
Anywho, a lot ponen-ing, tollen-ing, and a bunch of modus-es, have been going around the class for the past couple of weeks, time to get the terms down pat!

syllogism and ornithology
more penguin facts and humour here (:

4 simple argument forms seen in philosophy classes. Of the 4, the modus ponens and modus tollens arguments are most frequently used. The last two are intuitively graspable and with similar logical laws to the first two, so I didn't bother to expand the explanatory portion.

(1) Modus ponens:
Short for modus ponendo ponens,
Latin: the way that affirms by affirming.

(i) If P, then Q.

(ii) P.

Conclusion: Therefore, Q

The first premis is an "if-then" or conditional claim

P implies Q,

The second premise is that P, the antecedent of the conditional claim (i.e. the if part), is true.

Thus one could logically conclude that Q, the consequent of the conditional claim (i.e. the then bit) must be true too.

If the if is true, then the then is true.

(2) Modus tollens:
Short for modus tollendo tollens,
Latin: the way that denies by denying.

(i) If P, then Q.

(ii) ¬Q

Conclusion: Therefore, ¬P

Again, the first premis is an "if-then" or conditional claim
Once more, P implies Q,
The second premise is that Q, is false.
Thus one could logically conclude that P is false.
(for those not too familiar with the symbols: if P, then Q. Not Q. Therefore, not P)

By transposing the premise with material implication (i.e. the if-then statement), one can switch modus ponens to tollens and vice versa.
If the then is false, then the if is false.


(3) Modus ponendo tollens:
Latin: mode that by affirming, denies.

(i) Not both P and Q
(ii) P
Conclusion: Therefore, not Q


(4) Modus tollendo ponens:
Latin: mode by which denying, affirms.

(i) P or Q

(ii) Not P

Conclusion: Therefore, Q

I will chuck in a bunch of examples in another post. For now, back to thesis writing *raaaawr*

# 100

The natural number following 99 and preceding 101.

Ladies and gentlemen, lads and lasses, the po and ho faced, my hundredth post.
Being shamelessly irony-deficient, it shall be dedicated to a select few, random, awesome things about the roman numeral C (centum).
It is:

the divinely divine to Pythagoreans since it is the square of the divine decad,
10² = 100

sum of the 1st four cube numbers
1³ + 2³ + 3³ + 4³ = 1 + 8 + 27 + 64 = 100

sum of the 1st ten odd numbers
1 + 3 + 5 + 7 + 9 + 11 + 13 + 15 + 17 + 19 = 100

sum of the 1st nine prime numbers
2 + 3 + 5 + 7 + 11 + 13 + 17 + 19 + 23 = 100

a Leyland number (i.e. of the form x^y + y^x, with 1 < y ≤ x)
2⁶ + 6² = 100


Other random fact:
A Googol is 1 followed by 100 zeroes, 10¹⁰⁰ :) and this is where Google got it's name perchance?

and finally, the simple discovery that delighted my geeky 9 year old self,
using every number sequentially and only once on the calculator, with the + and - operators alone, you could get 100:
123 + 45 - 67 + 8 - 9 = 100

Date request phail

i am handsome. you're a ho.
dinner is for losers. lets go!

thesis progress

my room smells of:
coffee, cigarettes, cardamom.
the alliteration unintentional.
a motley mélange of scents not entirely my own.

Refer to Figure 1. for thesis progress

Figure 1: The caffeine curve.

status quo: translate this graph 7 hours forward.
i've entered the feeling worthless zone.
frankly speaking, the "excellent work habits" ended at approximately 6pm.

number crisis

Dear imaginary number, in lieu of questioning your ontological status, I would recommend dreaming with Descartes. Empiricism is quite threadbare. Reading is cheaper than therapy.
xoxo
Eva.

A review of existentialism

When going through some of my old philo stuff, it dawned upon me that I really am forgetting a disgraceful number of things. *Pbbbbbbbt* should be ashamed to admit to it being my minor.
So I'm doing a brief summary of existentialism. Existentialism was really one of my favourite ideologies. The opportunity to objectively study a counter to the solipsistic syndrome that sometimes descends. Slowly. Noose-like. Threatening. A little tighter and snap. Now indifference.
Anywho, there is a wide variety of philosophical ideologies that make up existentialism so there is no universal definition for it. Remain open and realize that most existentialists have a different view and form and this review is by no means exhaustive, it's really an uber brief intro for the uninitiated.

Existentialism is a 20th century philosophy concerned with human existence, finding self, and the meaning of life through free will, choice, and personal responsibility. Mainly, it is the belief that people are searching to find out who and what they are throughout life as they make choices based on their experiences, beliefs, and outlook without the help of laws, ethnic rules, or traditions.

In existentialism a person’s judgment is the determining factor for what is to be believed rather than by religious or secular world values.


Some basic tenets of Existentialism are:

1. Humans are defined by their actions (not by their "nature" or potential). You are what you do.

2. Humans are always free to choose (Existentialists reject determinism in any form).

3. Included in this freedom, is the freedom to define themselves through their choices, through their existence, through their actions. No one is good because of what she thinks or feels but only because of what she does. Good people are those who do good things.

4. Existentialists recognize and accept the fact that humans are by nature social animals and social beings. We exist for one another.
Metaphysical solipsists may cry now.

Actually,

this is not an emo blog. People have a tendency to blog in a particular mood, unless it is a subject specific blog.
Personal blogs tend to be utilized when the blogger is upset, pissed off or fired up by something.
I am people. I blog when bored. A lot of posts appear on the emo-angsty or the random-whacky range, but really, I'm just bored. How can anyone who wears rainbow coloured toe-socks with their cherry red Doc Martens be emo?!
It's a fair outlet when there are particular emotions that I'm not dealing with properly, but overall, I am good, veh good, and so I shall blog along those "yay!" sentiments too, as adequately, hopefully.
omgbbqttylbbfn, this is not going to turn into yet another emo blog on the web! cannotwillnot.
Much as I'm a conformist, I don't really like being people all the time ;)

another reason for thinking M.R. is the bomb!

Dear *insert name in obviously different font, bold and CAPITALIZED*,

Thank you for your crappy application.
After puking, I'm declining your putrid, generic email, with one of my own.
May your fingers rot and your keyboard melt in a nuclear implosion.

Yours sincerely,
M.R.
(on his nicest response to obviously generic cover letters for jobs is in his laboratory).

he is brilliant, hilarious and with just a sufficient dollop of kookiness.
funny and exciting but a wee bit (okay, more like extremely) terrifying.

Pi Day!

Happy Pi day yo! March 14th (3.14) gedditgeddit?!
bee tee double you, it's Einstein's birthday too.
This is just the most awesome day of the year.

Valentine's Day 2010

Since Elisha passed away, I've had this not so nice tendency of A.D.-ing (not anno domini-ing, but after death-ing) every event. e.g. first halloween/christmas/new year etc. sans Eli

Valentine's is a day dedicated to sappy Hallmark cards, overpriced dinners/ chocolates/ flowers... heck almost everything... but I still like that for 1/365.25 of a year, you're reminded to love the people around you extra EXTRA hard!
We had a blast last year. He met Alex who was down from NZ and a bunch of other people who really matter a lot to me. It was great to share him with my friends that night, and we had spent the day together, double yay!
So my expectation this year was that Valentine's day would be extra painfully, crap arse-y.

This year:
Spontaneously, a couple of friends called us for drinks in Holland V :)

A lovelylovelylovely friend was my Val Day date. Shockwave quesadillas, yummy mango and strawberry margaritas.... need i say more?! (we did have to bat off lesbo questions from the waitresses but that was fun hoho). you know you, i know you, you are awesome! i lou yew :)))

I bought flowers for someone I loved.

Drunk dialled and declared my tequila laced but true love to a friend who was overseas just then, BETTYBOOB :D

Hung out at some strange place in Clarke Quay... bad drinks, good band.

Danced the rest of the night away at Zouk, where I could count on hall mates to be partying it up and out (even on the 2nd day of CNY... impressed y'all!).

Baked, iced and lavishly decorated red velvet cupcakes to share with more lovely people.

I didn't not miss having him around, but was glad it wasn't a mopey grey day. Very literally channeling some Beatles haha:

"What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends"
:)))

the first working day of the holidays

hurrah!:
my nails are now the delicate, inside-of-a-shell, pink hue, courtesy of chang meiling, who does not know that i stole into her room and helped myself to her nail polish :))) -ilouyew-.
Suzie has gotten a bath and is drying in the laundrette.
annealed DNA and weighed out all the samples for the next couple of days, lab ain't gonna be no doozy!!!
boo!:
my hole puncher has fallen on the floor and spilled a million little bits of paper alloverallover the place!
to do -journal presentation for our lab meeting, biomems homework, lab book updates, nay, compilation!
this was the only week i could conceivably head out for ladies night but nonono, work first ma'am.


speaking of boo-hurrahs! i really should drop a philo post on it sometime. maybe it could be extended into my next fill-oh-sophistical paper.

do not listen to the flowers

Il ne faut jamais écouter les fleurs. Il faut les regarder et les respirer.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry-

blah to being sagacious,
was i actually ever?
lets go fly a kite
and devour the golden gate, cover to cover.

by way of acknowledgment: <3 xkcd comixzz

salt water, slattered shutters

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love
- Washington Irving

It wipes away some of the shame. The depths of sorrow, the darkest rage. No longer perceived as a weakness of will and spirit. More relieved that the expression was not contrived. Kitschy art or vapid song, a sculpted sonnet, stinky socks to hide the truth. Behind closed doors and under wraps, but as it was, as it is. No longer polarizing outward expression and inner world. You changed me more than I dared admit.

Bloody hell more garrulous crap. Careening wildly between insomnia and narcolepsy. Two days in bed and two days no sleep. Nasty nasty pattern. Wild child of Africa. Psychedelic rainbows. Sinewy muscle. Artistic soul. I laik.

"Ahpunehneh" is not a proper word.

i just like the title of the blog post, but have yet to be called an "ahpunehneh" which is probably why i'm more amused than riled lol.
i didn't know people called indians that in singapore.

effwhypee

one thousand three hundred and sixty hours ago, i though i had things under control. phail! phuck!
in research, you work hard and sweat blood for years to make beautiful science and get a lovely publication.
You could wait and labour years just to inherit a straw hut, that is better than nothing though haha.

L'année dernière

2009; the year of highest highs and the lowest lows.

January 2009
looking for a Boban, Giju-mon or Eappan... to please mummy.
is screeeeeeeeptwriting
should be screeeeeeeeptwriting
we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist
too many animals in bed.
is searching for the trigger...
February 2009
achooooo! anitha andiappan is in zurich lah! bleddy puma's...
must get her act together. attention! lef-lef-lef-right-left.
it's not the end of the world. lets pick up the pieces and move on...
yay!
can.
can't get the last bubble out of her bubble tea rawr!

March 2009
wants an onigiri.
will chew concrete and bite bears with you.
trains and sewing machines
discovered discovery, singapore-bangkok @_@
Happy Pi day! hoho (:
rabbit lost in a big grey room, for you we'll bake the cake of rainbows and smiles.
DeeeeeeePeeeeeeeeeee
for i was born to dream.
in search of the human moment
which D3 girl is high on tau huey?

April 2009
has lost her shadow from over-questioning existence.
still absent from the world. excuse me.
Next month, world, next month and I will live again.
weltschmerz
mamihlapinatapai
solipsism syndrome
must . stop . playing . sudoku .
biomaterialscontinentalphilobimedicaldevicesfilmelectronics

May 2009
the narcoleptic
does anyone "poke" anyone anymore on fb?
must shift out must shift out mustshiftout now now nooooow
plantar fasciitis? archilles tendonitis? in any case... ouch
wants to watch anna karenina but will be home then. rawr!
and it's official.
penang confirms first H1N1 case...home how?!
confused, peeved, angsty, confused and confused.

June 2009

July 2009

August 2009

September 2009

October 2009

November 2009
PutainMerdeLaVache!
La vie est merde mais je l'aime... j'aime merde? putain. je dois dormir
lets make some postmodern kitsch
ram-smelly-poo-doggy, i'm trading you for an alpaca
i laik yor profail peekcher, we be frenzzzz on faysbuk?
c'est une guerre
killers and/or muse?
toothpaste kisses
come by and hit me round the head if i'm not choking on my notes
to err is human, to arr is pirate.
leviathan = large sea monster
phailure in academiks
one word, harrowing!

December 2009
ruby velvet cake
where to find those shoes mama? :(
misses having dance prac during the hols
has to stop giving away her copies of midnight's children... raaaaaaaawr!
hallo, i miss our kooky days. we'll go nant tracking in a different world someday.
we would sing and dance around because we know we can't be found
another child of chaos theory
has to stop behaving like the holidays are already here
all i want for christmas is you
auto-rickshaws, buffaloes and spiced tea.

C'est Tragique!!!!

I DO.
Pukka has closed.
Where can i get my craving sated?
Raaaaawr!

Gawd, some of my posts are too bloody long and tedious to read.

Why do i do the stupidest things and hurt the wrong people?
I am truly truly sorry, but I've apologized for so many dumb things that I don't know if you will accept it any more.

Dance is for everyone if you have the right teachers.
- Chan LiLing Sharon, Aprine Tan, Sonja Jeanine.

You can have two left feet but when they teach you to dance, you can dance, you will dance. DP was an awesome experience and I do actually miss the shiokness of dance stretching.

Am so friggin in love with my cherry red vintage doc martens. Had them for quite a few months and the novelty isn't wearing out. Big, bad ass, foot consuming blocks. They just swallow up your feet and are sooooooo the bomb to clunk about in.

blearrgh

Don't you just hate having doodie days? To a crap-ass day that had no reason to be crappy or arse-y, don't come back too soon, please.... though I see another couple of weeks worth of you rawrs!

9 piercings, a tattoo, drinking and smoking doesn't make you a person who won't hold down a job that requires tax payments - Chang Mei Ling

Power woman! I know now... You may be badass on the outside, but I know that my magpie is still susceptible to the sparkly. Samseng cantonese speaker with a (melty-soft) heart of gold. Thank you for being there.

i scream, you scream, we all scream for...

ice-cream!
Since Pukka opened behind our hall, I've been eating ever so much frozen dairy. Pukka's ice-creams are freshly made and they've got quite a number of mix-ins. I laik!

The flavours aren't quite as interesting as the ones at Island Creamerie, but they can hold their own. My favourite is probably the Mint(ice-cream) with oreo (mix-in). Others have recommended Cheesecake (ice-cream) with strawberry pie filling (mix-in) and Ribena (ice-cream) with gummy bears (mix-in).
The waffle-bits mix-in is super cheating lah. It's basically broken cone bits. Donch think we didn't realize ah. I'm also very sad that they've stopped making Mango. It was heavenly. Not ice-y enough to be a sorbet but not too milky-rich as an ice-cream.

So many yummy flavours. I saw this picture and was reminded of my quest to find the most cui/CMI ice-cream flavour.These were some of the better (edible) glace flavours:

1. Garlic
2. Sardine
3. Cucumber
4. Marmite
5. Bittergourd
6. Miso
7. Pecan-Mushroom
8. Mushy Pea
   
9. Mustard
10. Liquorice

New discoveries:
Shanty felt like a cendol, so she had Gula Melaka ice-cream with atap chee mixed in.
My new favourite has to be Chocolate ice-cream with the Dark Cherry Pie filling mix-in. Very reminiacent of a BlackForest, non?

Coming out of the closet will induce hysterics - Shanta Danielle Arul

If you're ever thinking of pranking a neighbour, hiding in her closet and jumping out suddenly will guarantee a good scream, about 15 minutes of side-cramping laughter and retaliation in the not-so-distant future.
It also involves 20 minutes of sweltering in a stuffy cupboard and the need for an accomplice who is both poker faced and indubitably trusted by the victim (thanks Audrey :D).

A weird vid a day keeps the doctor away - Ashok Narandran

A single psycho video beats an award winning series (:
Though the combi of Greg, Baileys and Mangina's will haunt me forever more.
Youtube trumps TV.

The male as a package versus the size of his package. The making of the Chippz lists - D3 girls

The first time we truly objectified males.
Favourite quote "Who cares if he's nice. It's 100% about pure, raw, unadultered-by-personality, physical appearance." (:
We loved it.
All secrets revealed at the opening of the time capsule.

Friends admit when they're wrong, but they also tell you when you're wrong. It's worth the quarrel to save a good friendship - Tan Kim Ong

This is possibly the most valuable lesson that I got from hall. Approximately 80-90% of my memories in Singapore would have Kim. We've had our peaks and troughs and survived them. May our great friendship span many more years.

Power emails, the building block of a block - Chen Jie Ming

Ming sent the most hilarious emails as block head. Emails are usually just a form of visual-verbal communication. Ming wrote as Ming, so you could hear him, feel him and see him in those emails.
There were hysterically funny even as they admonished or highlighted block issues and you could so imagine him spewing that stuff in real life. In a way, the lesson is more of keeping it real. Conveying the real you whatever your media.

Amor fati

Yum

Desiree made some lemon bars.
They were yummy.
I laik her lemon bars, veh nais!

Lounge Window.

Dear Sir/ Madam,
We, the seniors, would like to kindly request that you stop obscuring our view of the happenings of a public domain, i.e. our lounge.
To put it simply, stop blocking the damn window.
Thankyewverraymush.
We still love you.
D-Seniors.

win·dow (wnd)n.

An opening constructed in a wall or roof that functions to admit light or air to an enclosure and is often framed and spanned with glass.

Granted, the lounge window is not exactly going to admit air or light any time soon, so going by strict definitions, 1 to the lounge peeps, zilch to me and the rest of the D-blockers who have been complaining.
Lets get more practical with our definitions.

Why would the architect have put a window facing a dark and narrow corridor?

1. Maybe he wanted to punch a hole in the wall to vent his frustrations, since his menopausal wife was giving him hell over the latest juicer cum rowing machine in town, and he covered up by turning it into a window.
2. He wanted to redefine the window. An opening for fun, because he had spare glass and time to boot.
3. So that people can look in and out.

Actually, I quite like 1 :))) but it would prolly be 3. Why would people want to look in or out? Well... the lounge is technically a public place, so people have the right to look in. Yeah, it's annoying, you're using the lounge, and some voyeur is watching through the window and formulating wet dreams about tv watching seniors or mugging freshies haha.

Wanking in there perchance? If the answer is an affirmative, go ahead... just stop blocking out the blardy window can? We've had enough fingering and weird activities going on there before and it became a consensus that the window ought not to be blocked (unless D3 was having another porn party hahaha).
Speaking of D3 parties, we really should have one soon. I miss our madness and this set looks pretty fun in their own right hoho. New minds to pollute :))))

Post blogging chat with loungers: A senior (in a somewhat puerile frame of mind) was making strange faces at them, in an attempt to distract them/ gain attention?
Not too sure. In any case, the cushions are down and the window is unblocked. Yay!
Civilized discourse beats online ranting.