I still look down and wonder what it would be like if the wall crumbled and I tumbled.
I still look up and wonder what the earth sees when things fall.
Vertigo grips so hard, my knuckles turn white and head spins.
I wondered if it were possible to laugh the same way again, to live with the strange achy void everyday, pretending everything was as it should be. What should it even be?
Last year I ran away to a place so high I could look down without seeing the ground, without needing to wonder at the force of impact.
This year I can't. I am here. There is no where to go. I pass the Garden of Remembrance everyday when returning home from work. I have walked by Singapore Caskets countless times because through some strange quirk of fate, it is near the room I rent. Each time I felt cold. I tried to sleep or keep my eyes shut on the bus back from work. When walking past the place I saw you last, with quirky neck-tie to the end, I stared at the pavement. Counting cracks, grey gravel... yes hold that thought "greygravelgreygravelgreygravel," my mantra for survival.
It was almost too coincidental, the faster I ran away, the harder the universe kept lobbing back reminders of you.
It got so bad, I needed to do something. Especially the stuff that was being avoided. I visited you. The uncontrolled and spontaneous eye leaks tapered off. I stopped trying to shut out the Sg Caskets signboard and instead looked, remembered every detail of what happened there that day. Thought of our times together, allowed myself to grieve. Remembered the funny stuff, laughed. Started talking about you again. The nightmares became just dreams and those too phased themselves out.
I will never ever forget you and all that you gave me, how you changed me as a person. Elisha, we will meet again, in a better place, in better times.
