The Ex Dilemma

It really does suck when our happiness comes at the expense of anothers but these things are often out of our hands. The average person of my age group has had at least a couple of relationships and probably been on many a date. So one must face up to the fact that your amazing boy/girl friend probably comes with a string of exes -some of whom were/ are pretty damn awesome. I've never had an issue "with the ex" before Nicholas so this has been quite an interesting experience.

The best thing that one can do is to treasure what they have when it is theirs to be had. No point crying over spilt milk, says pragmatic me but the quixotic within sympathises at anyone's love lost. That said, some previous partners can be a bit of a blister, and I have been sufficiently irked so as to not feel solicitous or sentimental, but to merely be peeved. 

Magnanimous as one can only dream of being, I could never give up what I have now, and is rightfully mine, to make a third person -I don't really know- happy. What can I say? Loving someone intimately is perhaps the most selfish thing anyone will ever do. We do it strictly for our own pleasure... mainly. Superfluous as it seems to state this point, not everyone wins. In the real world not all the participants get a medal, you've actually got to win it.  It may be best to bow out with grace; whilst ones dignity remains intact.

Emotional blackmail and evident unwillingness to let go, not limited to unchristian entreaties and attempts to end our relationship, only serve to make aforementioned ex girlfriend appear clingy and lacking in poise, rather than wronged.

What baffles me is, how in the world she could believe that we  could accede to her demands when she is of no real consequence in our lives? Never been in mine, no longer in his. The way I see it, you had your chance, things didn't work out, tant pis pour toi...  Now, with some rectitude of judgment, exit the stage for pity's sake. Props for doing it with sang-froid and class. 

Admittedly, the definitionally grey area between a current-kinda/sorta-friendship and former relationship (plus the mind-fuckery that comes with all that jazz) mucks things up. Maturely and unequivocally reviewing your status together, as we did beforehand rather than retrospectively reacting when there isn't a concordance of views may be the better option. 

After all, the reality is that two beautiful and great people could just happen to bring out the ugly in one another. It would be to look for a better fit instead of trying to cram a square peg into a round hole. Until then, I wish we could be left to our own lives unless a cordial or, at the very least, constructive relationship was sought by the other party with either/both of us.

Happy Birthday Nichowershaaw

The Saturday before at the Lone Pine

Hello old friend.

Not doing what I should be doing. RAAAAAAWR!

Java Genesiology

‎"Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring - why not put a little Mocha in the family Latte?" 

- Koothrappali, Ph.D

The black dog strikes again.

This blog has occasionally borne witness to my encounters with the blue funk and  the sense of helplessness when trying to help, understand even, a depressed one.
You don't know how they feel, the right words will never come to you and you're almost never sure what triggers it. It creeps in closer and closer, first consuming friends of friends, acquaintances and finally the people you love most. The first was a friend of my parents, then it became a hall mate, then an extended family member, then a boyfriend and now a member of my immediate family.

The extended family member is more or less in recovery -if that is truly possible and I hope with all my heart it is-. The hall mate I don't know well enough to ask, but every time I see an update on her facebook profile or happy pictures of her,  I am glad to see that she is still around, living through her issues one day at a time and that things are hopefully working out for her.

Two of the other individuals mentioned have taken their lives. I will remember the day my mother called me telling me of Uncle T's passing on and of how my father, a stoic man by any yardstick, was inconsolable for the longest of times. The second was personally more devastating, a former boyfriend whose death could not be confirmed as accidental or intentional. Even before the actual end though, the torture of witnessing his suffering with depression has left me raw.
A nightmare I could not arouse from. No choice but for this cross to be borne...

The close encounters with depression taught me to distinguish between the blues that we, the non-afflicted, suffer from and the actual clinical problem. So when a mentally healthy person goes, "oh just get over it," or "we all feel this way," to someone who is clinically depressed, I want to scream, telling them to shut the hell up because getting over it is what the depressed most want too and no, you and I without the illness don't actually feel the same way. We will probably never feel the way they do or be able to completely fathom it either, and for that rejoice!

As for the immediate family member, it upsets me that I didn't allow myself to recognise the signs for what they were. Low self-esteem, a propensity for self-harm, implausible stories that didn't quite add up -particularly on the self-harm-, substance abuse etc.
Having already faced one of the hardest knocks depression could throw my way (with the exception of having it in itself), the merciless scourging this illness metes out still smarts. Ominous warning signals were going off at the back of my head when these old friends were espied but I was too emotionally flayed to contend with them, yet again.

Instead of dealing with the situation full on, cravenly me dodged the devastating implications of what might be. The result of a flinch? Potentially a consequence of greater magnitude. Would it have done any good to have voiced my suspicions earlier? We all -probably- felt that my opinions may not have been completely objective due to past experiences. The disquiet was oft left unvoiced as I worried of projecting memories on something that may have a completely valid and wholly different explanation. Now it has been confirmed and for one of the few times, I hate being right. We can only do what we can and hope for the best.

I am so terrified of losing you, I don't know how to tell you that; but my dearest, this too shall pass.