I am angry. Because the safety or your car was more important than my emotional well being. Because you will not stand up for me. Because you made me believe that you do not think my right to education is equal. Because in your head it is okay for me to give up everything I stand for and return to nothing at all, not even care and security. Because you could shift if you really cared about the proximity. Because you said you would but won't. Because I have a promise to keep to my 17 year old self. Because I owe it to my children to raise them in a place that will not teach them that their rights are less than anothers. Because I have so much to give and it shall all go to naught. Because they could have so much to give and that to would amount to nothing.
The trigger was small, the reaction disproportionate. The result of pent-up angst and a deeper frustration of the injustice of it all. I love my country, I want to go back, it doesn't want me or what I could offer. In the land of our birth, me and mine, you and yours, will all be second class citizens. Is it so wrong that I'm avoiding it for as long as possible?
Friday, January 18, 2013
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Looking ahead
2012 was probably one of the worst and also best years of my life. Looking back, it's amazing how unscathed I appear to be in the end. The realities of some of the worst things and the decisions I've made will haunt me for life and some days will always be worse than others but overall I've come out feeling more positive about most aspects of my life.
From an academics perspective, it was a pretty good year. The break begun with no pending deadlines and the performance overall decent. During the year, research and publishing opportunities arose, the latter will need to be followed up but is nonetheless heartening. Summer in Copenhagen was excellent and a rewarding experience. Grades good, work enjoyable. All in all satisfactory.
On the relationship side of things, the converse is probably true. It was a difficult, difficult year. Long distance is really the main issue and an exacerbating factor is that the time is stretching on rather than ending as quickly as anticipated. We should be near the end of the 'time apart' period but my ambitions mean that Malaysia is not the best option right now and his job means that leaving Malaysia at this juncture would be difficult. Urgh! The bickering is constant, our ideas on what to do next diverge greatly but we don't want to not be together, at least I don't... We've been through some very trying times and we're still holding it together. There are marriages that haven't survived some of what we've had to weather (apart from the distance even) and we're still doing it. Maybe it's not the right way to think but it just serves to give me more hope that things will work out in the end. Don't know lah.
Upon returning, there is always a sense of emptiness. I miss my family, the cat and dog, good and cheap food, friends etc. It is not an easy decision to leave all that I have in that part of the world to be alone on a vast island, so far from people I trust and love. What keeps me going is the need to see my dreams through to the end. In a few days, maybe weeks, things will start to feel less alien again. Plunging into work, the postgrad union activities and hall stuff will keep me from feeling the doldrums. Activity is necessary to fulfill and most of all to forget.
From an academics perspective, it was a pretty good year. The break begun with no pending deadlines and the performance overall decent. During the year, research and publishing opportunities arose, the latter will need to be followed up but is nonetheless heartening. Summer in Copenhagen was excellent and a rewarding experience. Grades good, work enjoyable. All in all satisfactory.
On the relationship side of things, the converse is probably true. It was a difficult, difficult year. Long distance is really the main issue and an exacerbating factor is that the time is stretching on rather than ending as quickly as anticipated. We should be near the end of the 'time apart' period but my ambitions mean that Malaysia is not the best option right now and his job means that leaving Malaysia at this juncture would be difficult. Urgh! The bickering is constant, our ideas on what to do next diverge greatly but we don't want to not be together, at least I don't... We've been through some very trying times and we're still holding it together. There are marriages that haven't survived some of what we've had to weather (apart from the distance even) and we're still doing it. Maybe it's not the right way to think but it just serves to give me more hope that things will work out in the end. Don't know lah.
Upon returning, there is always a sense of emptiness. I miss my family, the cat and dog, good and cheap food, friends etc. It is not an easy decision to leave all that I have in that part of the world to be alone on a vast island, so far from people I trust and love. What keeps me going is the need to see my dreams through to the end. In a few days, maybe weeks, things will start to feel less alien again. Plunging into work, the postgrad union activities and hall stuff will keep me from feeling the doldrums. Activity is necessary to fulfill and most of all to forget.
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