Flight and freedom

Things to do before you get on another persons $2000 road bike:
1) Figure out where the brakes are
2) Work out how to change gears beforehand

I have not ridden a bike in ages and somehow managed to forget that RPM/spinning does not constitute bicycling. With terrible night vision, having never cycled a type of bike that requires one to tip forward so much at the hip and being only able to graze the ground with the tips of my toes, it was a harrowing ride.

That said, it was fun and the adrenaline rush and inducement of panic jolted me out of the numbed and oxymoronic apathetic-agitation (how would one describe it, being throughly agitated without really giving a shit about anything or being able to localize the source of the panic? There must be a more concise and elegant way of putting this but it escapes me right now). The emptiness of the bike path, the quiet whirring of the bicycle, the lake quiescent but nature whizzing by, and the wind whipping your hair into a tangled frenzy.

I would do it again. With a better fitted helmet. In the daytime -until marginally familiar with the paths. I would have stood and cycled, harder, faster, if there wasn't anyone else with me, maybe that is how things are, only alone can one be free. Maybe, hopefully, someday it will be possible to learn to express myself completely, freely, with at least one other person.

This has been a year of new experiences. Realizing when giving up was not actually a bad thing. Learning to move on. Trying things I have never done. Taking on more responsibilities, the myriad causes that mean so much to other groups. They might not be my personal fight, but if it will make the world more just, why should I not stand with them and speak out against bigotry and injustice? My goal for the year, three months in, is to live. To really live, to try as many things as I can. To read as widely but more deeply. To overreach and take risks I wouldn't normally attempt. To take ownership of my life and never pick the default road unless it is the best possible option. 

Unrooted.

My parents often complain that I lack a sense of "rootedness" or being stable. It's not so much that I'm not yet financially independent but more that there is little anchoring to me any one place. I thought a person could do that, maybe it could still happen, who knows? In any case, the crossroad is looming and many decisions remain unmade. What to do next is sort of figured out but where, not so much. It's amazing but confusing when the world is open to you. Then the practicalities sink in, what does one do for funding? It is so much tougher for international students everywhere, unless your country funds you. I laugh at that notion, mine never has and never would. Such a disadvantage, why would I subject my progeny to that?! That rant is overdone but it's difficult to shake off close to a decade of disappointment and annoyance at the injustice of it all.


Today however, I viewed the crossroad positively for the first time. Laremy posted an article on how most lives are lived by default (http://www.raptitude.com/2012/07/most-lives-are-lived-by-default/). While I may lack anchoring, default has almost never been the option taken.

The aftermath.

I should be thankful for the messages of concern and offering counsel. Instead it feels intrusive and like my decisions are being questioned.

An excerpt of a sincere and well-meaning message:

Hey Eva,
I am just concern about your decision to call off the engagement and move on. Perhaps you can give me a time slot that we can meet for a cup of coffee and talk about life.
It's a difficult decision for you but there's a story behind every phase.

My unfortunate response:

Thank you but I don't really believe it's your concern.

I did not mean to come across as bitchy, but this is not someone I'd count as a close friend. They have less facts on the matter than me, why would they think that their opinion would count for something? Well, such should be expected when one chooses to disclose such information on so public a forum. It was changed initially to give him peace and now must be changed to give everyone else closure. Lesson learned.

Close friends did not bother with questions as they know me well enough to be aware of how I deliberate and err on the side of being  over-cautious, all they offered was a listening ear if ever required. I don't pull plugs for fun and to be fair, the average person would not have known my unhappiness. I've always worn my masks well.

Et après

Oddly enough,
I am happy still, possibly more so.
That has to be a good sign.