Maybe if I were not online, I would not check. Breaking a habit is always difficult but then there need not be the confrontations of old when I'm back. It is not meant to hurt him, but how do you explain not being able to forget some things, even if that is what we want most. Not meaning losing all memory of time and experience, but forgetting the abject funk that happens after. This year, there are ten thousand other things -hopefully- crowding my mind out.
I will not look over the edge, vertigo will not grip me by the gut and shake my calm. For the next 24 hours, it will not get to me. After it has passed, things will be back to... can things ever really be normal? Three years on, this is still not the time or place, essays, research and studying shall fill that chasm. What did the plan say? We never know when stories end before they should. One can only hazard a guess.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Atrophy
Considering how plastic our brains are and the fact that other people in your environment can affect the physical structure of our brains, I.a.m.s.c.a.r.e.d.
At postgraduate level, nay at any academic level, if one has to explain how plagiarizing demonstrates a lack of scruples and is simply a show of plain bloody laziness, one should just avoid common areas.
When the running joke of the day is screeching a block mates name like a group of parakeets, ear plugs are the least offensive solution to slapsticity.
If petty poison pen messages are sent out without regard for consequence, one has to wonder at the maturity of the author. The personal matters of others are not mine to judge.
The three rants for today out there and now I can get back to my work.
In better news... there is none, at least not until the exams, essays, presentations and various other shizz are done with.
 |
| Sinkhole forming in the frontal cortex. |
At postgraduate level, nay at any academic level, if one has to explain how plagiarizing demonstrates a lack of scruples and is simply a show of plain bloody laziness, one should just avoid common areas.
When the running joke of the day is screeching a block mates name like a group of parakeets, ear plugs are the least offensive solution to slapsticity.
If petty poison pen messages are sent out without regard for consequence, one has to wonder at the maturity of the author. The personal matters of others are not mine to judge.
The three rants for today out there and now I can get back to my work.
In better news... there is none, at least not until the exams, essays, presentations and various other shizz are done with.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Who will read those words?
Writing on a deceased persons facebook wall. It's more for the living than the departed and I understand that for some, it could be cathartic. On a friends birthday you would wish them, a sign of sorts that you
remembered a day out of three hundred and sixty five that is significant
to them. When the friend is no longer around, it is not that you forget
that day or it is any less special, but wishing them does seem a little
pointless. Since 2009, I have not been able to do it and am not likely to start any time soon. It just does not do anything, for me, for him or for our mutual/exclusive loved ones.
I remember the judgments. Clear as day. In our vociferous world, silence is presumably significant. An acquaintance asking me if I didn't care, a friend asking if I cared so much I was terrified to put things down in words. How do I answer those questions? It used to be -and still is- an empty smile because honestly, how does one respond without appearing overtly detached or excessively fixated on events that cannot be undone. I don't not care but I have moved on. That is not wrong by any measure. Living in the past does not help you, we don't need more lost souls drifting along life's ebbs and waves. All the same, a little thought ripple sent out with a happy birthday tag attached would not hurt.
I remember the judgments. Clear as day. In our vociferous world, silence is presumably significant. An acquaintance asking me if I didn't care, a friend asking if I cared so much I was terrified to put things down in words. How do I answer those questions? It used to be -and still is- an empty smile because honestly, how does one respond without appearing overtly detached or excessively fixated on events that cannot be undone. I don't not care but I have moved on. That is not wrong by any measure. Living in the past does not help you, we don't need more lost souls drifting along life's ebbs and waves. All the same, a little thought ripple sent out with a happy birthday tag attached would not hurt.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Travelling for travels sake
This July, Kierkegaard's land is where I'll be. Quite tempted to make a trip to Noma, 2011's best restaurant in the world, when I'm there but obviously they are booked out months in advance and getting a table for one person might not be too easy :/
Between discourses and research, I wonder if I'll have much time to go about. Most of my trips around the world had one academic purpose or another, so my traveling to those places isn't saying much. Take France in 2007, it was a month of language immersion in Montpellier. Avignon was a one day trip, Nimes was a detour and Paris was a three day blur. Not complaining about a month of provençal food though. Hong Kong was the same, a comparative study field trip... we did however have plenty of time to go about and the professor who acted as our guide did his PhD there, so he knew the place like the back of his hand. Can't complain about that haha!
This is no whinge, I am genuinely pleased with the summer school opportunity and of course love that ANU is footing most of the bill. Copenhagen has generously given me a fellowship, so the only thing I really have to think about is finishing the papers I must write by the end of the course and doing good research of course. I just wish that I could travel for travels sake. Many friends used their undergrad days as an opportunity to travel. South East Asia is a favourite with students... cheap, beautiful, easy availability of weed/shrooms/psychedelics, beaches, temples, crazy-good food etc. Sometimes I regret not taking up the offers of friends to head to full moon parties at random Thai islands, to live on a boathouse in Vietnam or to trek to the Angkor Wat. Holidays had to have some kind of purpose and an immense sense of self-loathing developed as I appeared unable to travel without a reason but itself. Even now, I should be thinking of how to maximize my time and flight ticket. Perhaps pop into a Nordic country or two? Visit my great aunt in Germany? Meeting Anitha in Austria would be wonderful. Instead, I will prolly arrive in time to check into my accommodation (and hopefully switch my body clock around) before work begins, and will land up in Australia after school has begun.
Thank goodness for Nepal and Tibet after graduating. Those were trips that were made for no reason beyond my wanting to see gorgeous lands, beautiful sites and the kind of heights you can only scale at those altitudes. For now, every free moment I can manage is spent home with Nick because the distance really sucks. I have literally not gone around Australia (besides Canberra, I've spent a couple of days at Sydney, mostly because that's where my flights land... have not been anywhere else in the 11 or so months here canyoubelieveit?!) but out of choice, because I'd apparently pick him and Penang over my wanderlust.
Between discourses and research, I wonder if I'll have much time to go about. Most of my trips around the world had one academic purpose or another, so my traveling to those places isn't saying much. Take France in 2007, it was a month of language immersion in Montpellier. Avignon was a one day trip, Nimes was a detour and Paris was a three day blur. Not complaining about a month of provençal food though. Hong Kong was the same, a comparative study field trip... we did however have plenty of time to go about and the professor who acted as our guide did his PhD there, so he knew the place like the back of his hand. Can't complain about that haha!
This is no whinge, I am genuinely pleased with the summer school opportunity and of course love that ANU is footing most of the bill. Copenhagen has generously given me a fellowship, so the only thing I really have to think about is finishing the papers I must write by the end of the course and doing good research of course. I just wish that I could travel for travels sake. Many friends used their undergrad days as an opportunity to travel. South East Asia is a favourite with students... cheap, beautiful, easy availability of weed/shrooms/psychedelics, beaches, temples, crazy-good food etc. Sometimes I regret not taking up the offers of friends to head to full moon parties at random Thai islands, to live on a boathouse in Vietnam or to trek to the Angkor Wat. Holidays had to have some kind of purpose and an immense sense of self-loathing developed as I appeared unable to travel without a reason but itself. Even now, I should be thinking of how to maximize my time and flight ticket. Perhaps pop into a Nordic country or two? Visit my great aunt in Germany? Meeting Anitha in Austria would be wonderful. Instead, I will prolly arrive in time to check into my accommodation (and hopefully switch my body clock around) before work begins, and will land up in Australia after school has begun.
Thank goodness for Nepal and Tibet after graduating. Those were trips that were made for no reason beyond my wanting to see gorgeous lands, beautiful sites and the kind of heights you can only scale at those altitudes. For now, every free moment I can manage is spent home with Nick because the distance really sucks. I have literally not gone around Australia (besides Canberra, I've spent a couple of days at Sydney, mostly because that's where my flights land... have not been anywhere else in the 11 or so months here canyoubelieveit?!) but out of choice, because I'd apparently pick him and Penang over my wanderlust.
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Explicatus
The correlation between my hormone levels and moods continually surprise me even though I should know, even anticipate them. Just glad things are on the upswing again, particularly at this point where I still have about 17, 000 words in essays + 1 report due. A good blast of endorphins would help, but I have not exercised in ages. Thank goodness for chocolate. Long story short, my ovaries are done screwing with my brain... for the next 4 weeks or so.
Friday, May 04, 2012
Clear the Exit.
I'm at that place again, the awful one in my head, where I don't know what's wrong. I don't feel sad or bad, just absent. I am scared. It will pass. That is what I must tell myself. If I were to hazard a guess, pinning it on what is due feels like a good excuse. This is not the time for this. In reality it probably is the purposelessness of the quotidian. Where am I going? Somebody pinch me, it's time to wake up, I hear the alarm and am awake but am numb. I can't get out of bed, I can't stop the damn alarm, I can't brace myself to face a thing, why won't my body disobey the command of my vagrant mind?
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