A conclusion to the week

I am mildly ashamed of the angsty posts of a few days ago. The temptation to delete them is so great, but we all need a reminder that we have our crazily childish days and so I shall resist the urge to erase all signs of my puerility from the net. Lemme acknowledge all bits of me, even the ridiculous and infantile parts, yes?

Reflection is a double edged sword, at times...
The pro would obviously be rationalizing a situation and dealing with it in the most commonsensical manner.
The con would be that we never really acknowledge raw emotion. How we truly feel at that moment is shoved on a convenient backseat.
I have many a time been accused (quite rightly) of following my head and not my heart. What initially seemed like a compliment, on hindsight meant that personal feelings on a matter were given very little importance. Not all bad, but not exactly good.

The need to contemplate things and sort them out sagaciously before making a decision is a cover for my sinusoidal temperament. I can have fabulously rainbow hued days (where anything from cut grass to sunshine are inexplicably delightful) but there are those funky grey days (where you just curl up under your duvet and the selfsame sunshine is a garish display that threatens to stab your pupils, dead centre).

The grey days though are usually under control. Just freaking fill the day with so much activity that you can't think about the monochromaticity of life. In that aspect, engineering school is good, no time no time no time, assignments assignments assignments, lab lab lab, tests tests tests.
However, this week was our mid-sem break -read, too much time on hands- , so the culmination of too many things had me in the dumps:
The news about Richard's recurrence, Lynn's lymphoma, DP's drama, home sickness, the ginormous pile of assignments...
I cowered under my green, circus-parade patterned comforter for most of the week, only resurrecting myself to complete a lab report due during the week, for dance practices, for meals, for the occasional group meetings (the main reason why I couldn't go home in the first place) and for a debate outing that I had promised promised promised myself that I would attend, to see Lari.

Now, we are at the end of the week. The mountain of assignments has not been dented greatly and a niggling little voice is telling me that I could have achieved so much more this week, but I am finally at peace with myself.
I have survived a colourless patch, even with few distractions on hand. Having lovely friends around helped a great deal (though I hope my yucky moods didn't show up). Magpie!!! A shout out to you, hope you didn't have to feel my black mood. You were truly a lovely streak of pastel in the rain. A roomie does help too. We don't need to talk but the presence of another person is good, verray gooood. Floormates who jio you for runs are also awesome (thanks KangWei, Aud, Shazzy and MeiCheeBye). Cute freshmen who give your free ice-cream coupons (Debbie the squeezable!) are also pawsome... they remind you that giving, randomly especially, can brighten anothers day. Dre-dre thanks for the buh-berrrrr teeeeeee, you have no idea how these small gestures can mean a lot on a bleak day. Lup the ginger who had a bad week but still offered to have a Slumming Saturday.

Dealing with emotions has prolly matured me a little more in that department, non? Actually, acknowledging emotions would be closer to the truth, well... it is a good start haha. Maybe, I might give the heart a trifle more importance and be less dismissive of feelings (wow... managed to type it as that, feelings, instead of "feelings" or feelings... I'm growing up! heehee)

School is starting and the quiescence of my mind is wearing off, yay! (but have super a lot to catch up on raaawr!). Shall visit Lynn-Lynn-the-demented-bunny-senior today with as ginormous and colourful a bunch of gerberas as I can afford (Lainey is supplementing, so should be able to get something nice, yay)

:(

Lynn has lymphoma. I am sad. Why do these things happen? I dowan to think about it.
Visit her at NUH Ward 58, Bed 8. Best to SMS her first though.
Get well soon Lynn, I lup yew... on a side note, only you would be crazy enough to start a fb group to invite people to visit you. I love that you'd do something like that.
Dear Mr. Big Man in the sky, please let my demented-bunny senior be okay.

Saturday.

Girl scout mint cookies are yummy! Why are they only around about once a year?!

Have DP piecing in about 5 minutes raaaaawr! Hope I remember all my steps and blockings today.

Really should prepare my existentialism presentation soon and start on my programming.

Glad that Prof Teoh thinks my ACL reconstruction project idea is -strictly quoting him- "excellent" WOOT! (prolly the highlight of the week... either I lead a sad life, or am truly a geek, or maybe a bit of both haha).

After dance then!

Random thought

I feel like eating cake. Sweet, soft, cake-y cake. Maybe I should stop eating reese's peanut butter cups, they won't turn into cake... not warm, not crumbly, not cake-y. Let me go get some cake.

A new genre in blogging, the Emo-juve.

whoah, you know you are being over-angsty when you can split a whiny entry into two full posts

Emo-blogging is just gross, reminds me of whinging (pre)teens who think that life sucks because they don't have the right shoes... that, or poor-me types who really need a good shaking.
That said, i really want to be a gross, whinging, pre teen with uncool shoes, okay?

Friends
Some of my friends have left hall for good. People I have made memories with etc. Oh well, I've written an entire post on it. Thinking of next year isn't that much better. I will be losing a whole bunch of friends. Xiao Xuen and Jing Wen will be on exchange (for a year *sob*), Val -roomie of three years- is taking a sem off, Shazzy and Mei Chee will be graduating, s000 many of the guys upstairs are leaving. The only thing to look forward to is the Andiappan is coming back. Woot!

The greatest pain
Richard's cancer is back :((((((((((
Sometimes I ask if there is a God.
The combined mix of just feeling bleargh with this piece of upsetting news just got me in the dumps. Yesterday I read Alex message and felt like crap. Today, I reread it and had to hustle myself to the washroom for a good bawl. Belive me, there is nothing therapeutic over sitting in a cubicle in the middle of a random lab block in Engineering, blubbering your eyeballs out, knowing that no one enters the toilets in that faraway block besides the cleaning aunty. At that opportunate moment, I got a wake up call message, should start moving on (my interpretation of the matter).
Richard! You will be in my prayers (to the God that is soooooo testing us all, philo classes don't help matters,faaarking atheistic existentialists). Alex, stay strong!!!
Life is bloody unfair.
All issues in the following post are super trivial... things that shouldn't matter to me, but this was really the tipping point, the densest cumulonimbus that has shifted it's greyness on everything. I wish I could see Richard now and Alex too... last week was too good to be true, I had to know that there needed to be some kind of balance, very Newtonian thought, the third law is truer than you think!

Mount Laundry.
This mountain grows exponentially. Twin peaks, Laundry-to-be-done and Washed-laundry-for-folding. Currenly the latter is higher. Will I ever conquer these peaks?

Icky Blinds
I told you... everything just feels sucky. Even my dusty blinds seem like the worse thing on earth.

Readings and Homework and Programming
Too much to catch up on. This week feels like reading week, not like a mid-sem break.

I miss
-my parents
-arguing with my siblings
-playing with my dogs
and just home, home, home.
I want to go home but can't. Bloody work.

Hmmm.... wondering if this is all an exercise in the waste of time. At this moment, I should be researching the Kierkegaardian themes in the Passion of Joan of Arc but would prefer to procrastinate and write a second, lengthier, confirmed-chop-plus-one more childish entry (below).

The continuation, Emo-Juve.

Grey days; the continuation of a pre-teen's emo, "I've-got-uncool-shoes", whinging.

You.
It sucks that things are ambiguous, I can't date other people without feeling a slight twinge of guilt since you don't like open-ended relationships, we can't break up because there is no "we" to begin with, to be fair I know that my response has always been the ambiguous one. raaaawr!

Hair
The hair dresser has given me an exceedingly curly fringe and worse yet kept saying "if straight, sure nice one. You cannot manage means come back and straighten lah girl."
FUCK you. I have curly hair, asked if you could cut curly hair, got an affirmative and came out with a leonesque mane, 60 bucks poorer and you dare to fucking tell me to straighten it?!
If you can't work with it, just say so.
Sorry... the bitterness is probably just a reminder of school days, when cute little kids from the majority population of the island state asked me dumb fuck questions like, "eeeeeh, why you so dark?" "Why your eyes poke out one?" "Why your nose poke out one?" and of course, "Why your hair so curly?" Nice...I'm sure the racism was unintentional that said, I won't try and pass it as "oh they were too young to know."Those kids and I were the same age but hello, I never asked stupid questions about facial features/ hair nor did I ever pull a Miley Cyrus...

DeePee
Bye first "John", Hi stress! Val seriously has it tough over the next few weeks but I trust that she can do it. The new "John" is after all pretty seasoned.
Angst: Dance! I'm so scared that I'll screw up. Keep forgetting steps and my blocking. Sharon gave me a (well deserved) ticking off and Derek gave me some good advice ("you should stick to writing and leave the dancing to dancers"). Also, I'm flipping out thinking about the costume. Most dancers are skinny and petite. In our contemp dance, we're supposed to be fairies/ butterflies. Now you get a winged hippo on stage. That said, I can't bring myself to eat any less. In fact, as a reaction to the stress, I've prolly been eating hell of a lot more. Le sigh.
On a separate note, I love XX for being damn encouraging and for teaching me every time (which is almost always) I forget steps. Also glad that Sharon accepted my apology and was very optimistic and encouraging. Sometimes, I almost feel like it is possible.

God... this is super puerile (esp the hairdresser hahaha), it could be an all new genre, emo-juve(nile). Two angsty posts, finally using the blog in a more diary-like manner? Wonder how long it would take for me to delete either. After all, I hate remembering bad things.

Mission Impossible, a failed attempt.

The last few days have been tumultuously craaaaaaaaaaazy.
We win the Inter-Hall Games, over-party and lose some of our best athletes. Oh yeah, and one of those athletes was to act in our production. Le sigh... it had to be the actor who was in almost every scene. In all honesty, what they did really didn't seem that bad (A little silly, but don't we all do weird things when inebriated? A little strange, but boys will be boys right?). Maybe it's because of our seniors' legacies. They really did way more cuckoo stuff. The difference this time? Hard evidence.
When Mr. Tong said to John, "boy ah, don't do anything funny eh, we got CCTV," the irony killed me. The line written in jest for stage was now oh-so-true in reality. Of the 9, I found that even the loss of the one I knew the least was terribly upsetting, what more the ones I was closer to. It's easy to see why the administration did what they did, but it's difficult to be objective when those involved are people you really care about. I am really really going to miss them. Most of them had to be the people who greatly added to the vibrancy in hall and made a difference. They were all talented, brilliant and hilarious people. Why can't a few of the bores get kicked out instead, people whom noone would remember anyway... okay, that was kinda mean hahaha. Wonder what our block (and hall) culture will be like next year? At the same time, I think that those of us left have to rally together. A mass withdrawal will do nothing. It won't bring them back and in all honesty, that would leave very few interesting and (dare I say) cool people.
To my 9 friends, that was a CRAZY WHACKY celebration lah! When you look back on life, you definitely would know that you led a pretty eventful one. No regrets! You won't be questioning yourselves at 4o+, wondering during a mid-life crisis, why you never coloured outside the lines.

Sometimes, life is unfair.

How else do you explain booby-skinny girls?
(lets assume it's without surgical intervention/ other cosmetic aids)
hahahaha